January 28
January 28. That was the day I wanted to give up the most. And it only got progressively worse for the next few days. I wish I knew how to explain it, but my words fell short. My mind was empty. I felt empty. I wanted to cry, and yet, I felt so numb. It’s not that easy, explaining how you feel, that is. Sometimes in life, you want to pour your everything into people. People who, themselves, are broken in some form or fashion. Anything that’s broken fails at holding water. Despite our countless attempts at filling it, if it’s still broken, it will not hold the water being poured into it. That was me. I was pouring myself into people who couldn’t hold it, leaving myself spilling everywhere but intended. And you know stubborn me… I don’t just give up on people. Sometimes, people just need someone who’s willing to stick around through it all. Someone who cares about them. Someone to love them. When you love someone, it doesn’t always mean that you have to play an active role in their life. Loving someone means that you genuinely want what’s best for them, regardless of the status you hold in their life. To love and to be loved is a basic need that we were created with, because we were meant to be in relation with God.
I wanted to be okay. I can’t tell you how badly I wanted to be okay. But now, instead of water spilling, it’s tears. Tear stained cheeks and swollen eyes. Everything happens for a reason. Let me just tell you, there are quite a few things going on in my life currently. Quite a few. And it’s suffocating. Especially when those things are situations you can’t talk about.
As a christian, some people don’t understand the trials we face. Having God doesn’t mean that we have it easier in life. Having God means having someone to carry the burden with us, and for us. Having someone who loves us, without strings attached. Having someone who genuinely cares about every minute (my-NOOT: adj// very small or tiny) detail of our lives. This January has 2021 looking much like 2020, and I’m not too pleased with it. BUT, because God is such a good Father. He has blessed me with some of the most amazing people in my life to hold me accountable. You don’t get to pick your family (that’s a lot of picking for me) but you do get to pick your friends. In the past year, I’ve gained and lost a number of relationships- guys and girls alike. And let me tell you. I would get MAD at God. Like how dare you take them from me?? << Not my proudest moment, I know. But at some point in our life, we question God. We don’t mean to. It’s just that what we want for our lives isn’t what He has designed for our life. So when things go awry, we get irritated. Allow me to share with you a situation. One that God was literally all up in my face, AND I DIDN’T SEE IT. Or maybe I did and I just didn’t realize it. Or maybe, I just didn’t want to see it.
A few years back, I was dating this guy. For the sake of privacy, we’ll call him Tom. I thought Tom and I had a good relationship, until he left state for a few months. He would ignore me for days on end. He wasn’t very respectful verbally when we did talk. It hurt. He returned at the end of summer- the same week that I left for church camp. I volunteer at a number of different camps as a youth leader/counselor. One night during service, it hit me. Hard. The way he was treating me was not what I deserved. I thought I could change him though. For the better.
IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE SOMEONE. People will change if they want to change. They are capable of change if it’s convenient for them. They will change for whomever or whatever they want.
Not only did I pray about our relationship at that service, but before I got into bed that night, I wrote my prayer out to God. I used to do this when I was younger and place it under my pillow in hopes that God would respond. I.e: the tooth fairy. Since childhood, writing my prayers out just stuck with me. I’m so glad that I did this, especially in this situation. My written prayer that night went something like this:
Dear God,
Things in this relationship have left me feeling like I’m not good enough. I don’t feel loved. I’m anxious all the time. This isn’t how you created love to be. If this relationship is going to fail, allow it to be while I’m still on this spiritual high. I want a man to love me with a God-inspired love. If this is not your will for my life, I don’t want it.
Amen
The next day, we left camp and went home. It was also the very same day that Tom dumped me. And instead of seeing that it came from God, I blew up on Tom. I told him how awful he was for cheating. And how wrong he was. Even though I had just prayed to God AND GOTTEN AN ANSWER ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, I was mad. But I was also hurt. The next day, Tom apologized and we got back together. From that day in August until late September, we were back together. Only this time, nothing felt right. I was miserable. In September, I helped at a youth rally. And God blew me off of my feet. “Show me 5 people closest to you, and I’ll show you your future.” That’s what the evangelist said. He wasn’t a fortune teller or anything, but said that who we hang out with defines us. “If you lie with dogs, you’ll get fleas.” I knew instantly that I didn’t want to be like Tom. We were polar opposites and he was changing me. I wasn’t changing him like I thought. The day after that rally, I knew that I had to call things off. And it. Broke. My. Heart. It wasn’t until I was in that broken state that I could see things more clearly. I was trying to fight God in something that I had prayed about. (Btw. I lost. Fighting God never results in a win)
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you’ve prayed about it and they leave, let them. You are in good hands. God will remove people from our lives because they won’t fit through the next door that is about to open for us. They cannot come with. We have to allow God to be God.
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