The Feeling of Feelings

Ladies and gents, I'm just going to be real with you (lol- I say that as if I've been anything but real with you thus far). Tonight, I'm crying. "Why?", you may ask? I wish I could tell you the full extent of it. But it's not that easy. Quite frankly, is it ever that easy? (Actually, some of this stuff is confidential work, so I can’t legally tell you.)

(If you accidentally stumbled across this post, just keep reading.) 

I do know this though: emotions are okay. It's okay to feel. And to feel everything so deeply may feel like a curse, but just hear me out, girlfriend. Or dudes. I’d say boyfriend, but that just sounds weird. Twenty-one years and counting... I've been an emotional person. I don't think that there's ever been a time in my life where I didn't feel. If you're not understanding, I'm going to assume that you don't have the same issue as me. (That's not an excuse to stop reading this.) Allow me to break it down for you.

I love people. I love them with 110% of my being. I don't care if you're black, white, or Asian. You can be plus-sized or fun-sized. Disabilities? That doesn't change a thing. We all bleed the same because we were all made by the same Creator. But, that isn't the purpose of this message. Since I love with 110% of my being, I also hurt with 110% of my being.

 "But Jasmyne, percentage is only calculated based off of a hundred when it comes to people."

Why yes. That's exactly my point. When I love, I give everything I am, everything I have, and then some. So when I hurt, the same thing applies. It takes everything out of me. And if that doesn’t make matters worse, I’m very compassionate. So when others hurt, I hurt for them as well. For a while, I hated that aspect of my personality. Like with a BURNING passion. It breaks my heart to think back on, especially because I tore myself down over it. God, our Creator, designed me the way He did for a reason. And yet, when I would feel these negative emotions so deeply, I would question God. "Are you sure you know what you're doing up there, Lord?" Almost like teaching someone how to cook. We stand back watching over their shoulder. Not only are we watching, but we're judging and guiding as they add different ingredients and seasonings to the dish. 

Oh, wait, that's the basis of Ratatouille. (Would God be the rat, or would we? I don’t think a big God can be condensed to such a little rat?) Disney really should pay me for promoting them as often as I do. 

El oh el. Like I need to stand there, looking over God's shoulder, guiding Him on how He should create me. He doesn't, by the way. He has spend centuries creating people, many who have done wonderful things in life. What do I know? But over the years, more so lately, I've come to contemplate my character more.

"God, what is the purpose in this?"

"Why do I feel so deeply?"

"How can I use it to further your Kingdom?"

Who else do we know that feels everything, just as we do? Who is it that feels every bit of our happiness? Our loneliness? Our anger? Jealousy? None other than God Himself. Whatever it is that we may be doing, God is always going to be involved. Not only that, He feels everything we feel, and MORE. Is it even possible to feel that much all at once? Most definitely not. Because if we knew everything He does, it would completely overwhelm us. So would I DARE call God overly emotional? Heck to the no. I wouldn't even be capable of mouthing those words if they DID come to mind.

I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell my little sisters: if it's not in the Bible, it's not true. When we were created, in the image of God, He poured attributes of Himself into us. And being the perfect, merciful, graceful God that He is, He didn’t breathe His breath into us like He did if it were going to hurt us. In the Old Testament, two men that stand out for me are Job and David. Were they perfect? Not even close. They both endured different trials and tribulations, but they were never afraid to express their feelings to God. Although God is all-knowing, He delights in our honesty to Him. Are you honest to God?

There’s a reason God tells us to guard our hearts (Prov 4:23). Everything we do flows from our innermost being. God is God. Because He is pure, and holy, and righteous, He turns His head from evil. We, on the other hand, may have His spirit but we are still fleshly. We have fleshly desires. And when evil comes our way, we don’t always turn our heads. There are plenty of things we bring upon ourselves too. What we allow to come into us, spiritually, mentally, and physically, will pour out of us as well. It is completely okay to feel things. It’s how we react out of those feelings that matters. I have said this for the longest: feeling everything so deeply is both a blessing and a curse. But honestly? I’d rather to feel everything than to feel nothing at all. I love that I love people. I love that loving comes so easily for me despite all of the hurt that life has thrown my way. 

“For His anger lasts only a moment, but His favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." -Psalm 30:5

Dear God, help me to put aside the things that are breaking my heart so that I may pray about the things that break yours. Break my heart for what breaks yours. 

Amen