Worth It

This year, more than any, has been a tough one. I’ve had a number of people come in and out of my life. Family, friends, boys.. you get the point. But, that isn’t where the issue lies. The issue lies in the fact that when people would leave my life, I would somehow manage to blame it on myself. It always put me in my head. “Maybe if I were prettier, or nicer, or shorter, or skinnier, they would have loved me. Maybe if I would have done this differently, they would have stayed. Maybe I just wasn’t a good friend to begin with.” There were plenty of nights where I would just beat myself up over it. I’ve finally realized why.

I didn’t fully understand my worth.

And there are some days where I still struggle with it. For me, it came from having toxic relationships with people. I’m not saying that I wasn’t toxic, or that I’ve never been toxic. We are all toxic for someone without realizing it. And to anyone who feels like I was toxic for them, I would like to apologize. I’m sorry. It doesn’t mean that I thought less of you, or greater of myself. I had to grow my character some as well. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible, even as friends. If you fall into the category of people I was toxic for, let me know. I would love to make amends with you. Anyways, getting back on track. By being in those toxic/negative/narcissistic relationships, it robbed me of my worth. All I had ever wanted was to be good enough. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that the way others act actually has nothing to do with me.

Here’s the catch. Without God, I am nothing. I have no worth. Alone, I’m just a sinner. Alone, I’m just a girl of the world. Without God, I’m destined for hell. That’s a scary thought. But, let me tell you how God changes this situation. Like the quote, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, so is worth. One man’s trash can be another man’s treasure. God found something in me. Because of God, Jesus came to earth to redeem me. God knows that I mess up. He knows that I’ve lied and judged. He knows that my mind has thought ungodly things. He knows that I forget to pray, and read my Bible. He knows that I’m not done sinning either. But He also knows that His love for me is greater than my sins. His love for me includes my strengths and weaknesses. Despite every flaw that I may have, the blood of Jesus covers it.

Justice is when you get what you deserve.

Mercy is when you don’t get what you deserve.

And grace is when you get what you don’t deserve.

(unknown author)

I’ve done some terrible things. I’ve been terrible to a share of people. And God, being the good Father that He is, still loves me. God has certain people He wants in your life. If someone belongs in your life, God will make sure of it REGARDLESS of the circumstances. You won’t have to convince them that you’re good enough. You won’t have to double or triple text them. They won’t ignore you for any reason. They won’t degrade you or belittle you. The list goes on. But, if God loved you enough to send His Son for you. And Jesus loved you enough to die on the cross for you.. then, you are worthy. You are worthy of love. The agape kind that never fails.

Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth. You have set your glory in the heavens. Through the praise of children and infants you have established a stronghold against your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger. When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them? You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor. You made them rulers over the works of your hands; you put everything under their feet: all flocks and herds, and the animals of the wild, the birds in the sky, and the fish in the sea, all that swim the paths of the seas. Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! ~ Psalm 8

God has placed so much worth in us. God, the creator of heaven and earth. That God. It’s about time we ease up on ourselves. I know it’s easier said than done. I’m the world’s worst. I can give advice and build others up, until it comes to myself. I can bully myself unlike any other. And it’s wrong of me. It’s like looking up at God, the perfect one, and saying, “ “no, you did this wrong.”To this day, my wrist is tattooed with the word “worthy” as a reminder that I am worthy of love. Especially if God can love me knowing all that He does about me. God has placed the same worth on me today as He did when I was an innocent infant, fresh from my mother’s womb.