Dear God
It all started with Covid-19. Well, I’d like to think that’s what started it. I have a history of depression, mixed with anxiety. And amped up by ADHD. If you didn’t know, ADHD makes the effects of depression a lot worse. They all went untreated. I was able to manage with them on a daily basis before the pandemic as long as I kept myself busy.
Now, before I go any further on that. Let me say this: There are many Christians out there that don’t believe that we, as Christians, can struggle with depression. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “You mustn’t be a real Christian if you’re battling depression.” If you are a Christian and you deal with depression, THAT IS OKAY. There is a stigma in society that is attached to mental illnesses. Not everyone who deals with depression self-harms or contemplates suicide. Sometimes it’s simply losing your personality and the desire to do mundane tasks. This is a controversial topic in the church. But, many men who were used by God in the Bible dealt with similar emotions.
While the Bible doesn’t actually directly use the terms “depression/depressed/depressive”, it does use words like “troubled”, “battled deep despair”, “discouraged, weary, and afraid”, and “wrestled with great loneliness”. These men are some of the most prominent people in the Bible. Did that stop God from using them? No. Not one bit.
- David: All throughout the book of Psalms, David speaks of his fear of the enemy, his heart-cry over sin, guilt for those sins, and loneliness. “My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear.” ~ Psalm 38:4
- Elijah: In 1 Kings, this man of God feared and ran for his life to get away from Jezebel. There in the desert, he sat down out of defeat and weariness. He begged God to take his life. “I have had enough Lord, he said. Take my life, I am not better than my ancestors.” ~1 Kings 19:4
- Job: While Job proved himself faithful to the Lord, he endured quite a bit of pain. He lost everything. And instead of cursing or blaming God, he questioned his existence. “Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the womb?” ~Job 3:11~ Job in the midst of all this, is transparent with how he is feeling throughout this entire book. “I have no peace, no quietness, I have no rest, but only turmoil.”~ Job 3:26~ Other verses that can be read for further interest consist of Job 10:1 and Job 30:15–17.
- Jonah: “Now O Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.” ~Jonah 4:3 and even after God spoke with Jonah, later in that chapter he said “… I am angry enough to die.”
And my personal favorite:
- Jeremiah: Jeremiah was created for singleness, in every aspect. He was forbidden to marry, or have kids. He was an outcast who lived alone and ministered alone but still demonstrated great faith. He was often known as the weeping prophet. “Cursed be the day I was born…why did I ever come out of the womb to see trouble and sorrow and to end my days in shame?” ~Jeremiah 20:14–18.
And then you have people who don’t believe in depression, whatsoever. Now, biblically, I may be wrong. I’ll admit to that. I’m open minded, so I’ll hear your perspectives. But, God still used these people despite how they felt.
Since we have an understanding of my perspective on depression in the church, I will proceed with my story. After Covid was in full swing, I decided it was best that I talked to my doctor. And I did, which resulted in medical treatment. For me, I think that was the hardest part. I was torn between feeling weak and not wanting to feel weaker for needing help. Since then, I’ve realized that needing help doesn’t make you weak at all. It’s an opportunity for growth. It still took me a while to get back to my normal self, the one that many of you know. The only difference was that this time it was natural and not forced.
Before I got better though, something unexpected happened. I wrecked my car. A 2019 Jeep Renegade. One that I had purchased on my own. The first car wreck I’ve ever been in. When you think of wrecks, you think of dire situations. But this one wasn’t. It’s almost like I knew I was going to wreck before I actually made impact. Typically, when people get into accidents, they tense up and freak out prior to the impact, but I didn’t. The clocked slowed and my car filled with a white light as my car started to hydroplane. I don’t remember much from the actual incident. I want to believe that my missing memory was because of the light itself, but maybe it was the trauma. My life didn’t flash before my eyes or anything. My mind itself was blank. I felt my grip loosen on the steering and my foot rest from the gas pedal, but it wasn’t something I consciously did. Then, my car made impact with a utility pole, completely ripping it from the ground. This is where my memory returns. I watched as the utility pole fell, slowly, with electricity still surging through it. As my surroundings began to familiarize, my attention focused on the radio. “Graves into Gardens” was playing. And while the radio itself was not loud, the song seemed to be blaring as I sat there in my car. My door wouldn’t open because the front driver’s side took the impact. But then again, there was also a live wire just laying there on the wet grass on my side. I climbed out of the passenger side because I was NOT risking that. (Even though I wasn’t speeding, when I made impact with the utility pole, it was knocked about 10 to 12 feet away from it’s original place in the ground.)
From there, I handled the situation like any responsible adult would… I called my parents. Remember, I’ve never been in a situation like this prior, so they helped walk me through the process. We called the police, exchanged information, and then emptied my car out. The reason why most officers can’t search your car without just reasons is because it’s an extension of your home. I took that to a whole new level. I had the necessities… spare clothes, shoes, blanket, first aid kit, waters… the whole nine yards. What impressed my parents, the officer, and the tow truck driver was not the abundance of supplies kept though. As we cleaned my car out, bible after bible after bible was found. On the dash. On the passenger’s seat. In the armrest.. When we finally finished, twenty-one bibles were discovered. Yes, TWENTY-ONE. The bibles were a part of my little ministry, but they hold deeper meaning explained later on.
There were a few downsides of the situation, especially in the beginning. My parents had to take me anywhere I needed to go. I am beyond grateful for them, don’t get me wrong, but I took pride in my independence. Then, dealing with insurance was a complete pain. Some days it seemed pointless. And while I don’t have suicidal thoughts, I couldn’t help but wonder, “God, why didn’t you just take me?” It would have made things a lot easier on my end. The stress just seemed to keep building up, not helping my depression in any way. After what seemed like an eternity, we finally got somewhere. Monday this week, Fiat Chrysler (aka the Jeep company) came and picked my car up for a thorough inspection. After getting information from the Event Data Recorder (EDR), the inspector was in shock. I think everyone was, honestly. Nothing seemed to add up. Remember how I told you the airbags didn’t deploy? Between the weather conditions, my speed, and the impact, the airbags should have deployed. But they didn’t. Everyone involved in my case agreed on one thing: I shouldn’t have walked out of that wreck.
Throughout this whole process, the song that was playing in the wreck kept weighing on me. If it held no meaning, it wouldn’t have weighed so heavily on me. I don’t know if God was waiting on the right time to reveal it to me or if it just finally clicked. I was driving home in a Jeep, my boyfriend’s Jeep to be exact, in the rain when that song came on. I was in the same scenario that my first wreck occurred in. Fighting off the anxiety, I listened closely to the lyrics. I’ve heard “Graves into Gardens” at least a hundred times. This time it was different though.
The first thing that comes to mind when I think of a grave is death… When I lost interest in everything, I even stopped reading my Bible. That was my first mistake. You see, Jesus told his disciples in John 14, “I am the way and the truth and the life”. When I stopped reading my Bible, I became numb. I went through the motions, barely living at all. It seems that I had lost my life, much like one would lose their keys or their wallet. Growing up in the church, I learned one thing, “If you’re not getting closer to God, then you’re getting further. Your relationship with God is always moving.” I didn’t realize that I was slowly sliding away from God, but I was. It didn’t just happen overnight. My Bible-reading became more and more sparse. After a while, I had become spiritually dead. The super cool thing about God is that He can bring anything back to life. People, animals, and plants all alike. If it has the ability to be used for the glory of God, the opportunity will be taken. That’s where the garden comes into the picture. Gardens are full of life, beautifully arranged in a number of colors.
Depression is real, just as well as the devil is. He knows the purpose God has for our lives. A purpose in which he seeks to “steal, kill, and destroy”. The enemy once had a purpose too. He messed that up for himself, so now he’s going to do anything he can to keep you from discovering your purpose. I almost let him steal mine. The wreck was my wake-up call. I could have been severely injured, or dead, from the impact of the wreck alone. Much like Lazarus, I had been dead for some time. But, that didn’t stop God. He saw me, sins and all. He still saw potential in me, so He nurtured me back to life. Every which way I look at the wreck, it’s hard to not see God. Sometimes we wonder why God would allow something bad to happen. I definitely did plenty of wondering and questioning God. But God will allow anything to happen if it means that His children come back to His loving arms. Coincidentally, there was a bible for every year I’ve been alive. Twenty-one bibles for twenty-one years.. God has been there this whole time. He was just waiting on me.
Holy cannoli, that was a mouthful.
I’m calling this one “Dear God” based off of the Hunter Hayes’ song. A song that questions the Maker, much like I did. I’m not proud of it, but we’ve all questioned Him at some time in our lives. Especially when we think we know better than Him. But we serve a God who knows us, understands us, and yet loves us.
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